END OF DAYS

OF BEING UNHAPPY.

More to come...

Another one.

Another let down. Another set back.

Hope springs eternal, is a dangerous idea.

Worst week ever.

I am a zombie in a constant loop of tears.

It is really harsh, and made even harsher as I have lost another friend (via Facebook).

It could have been an ace night, but bumped into a familiar face, freaked out and literally ran out of the club. My mate came after and was with me, it could have ended worst.

I have done nothing wrong, why am I being treated like this. I have feelings too.

Bad.

Things are not going as planned.

What is the point of it all really. I miss you so much and to see you doing well and not be part of or be included your life kills me. It really does.

Dead on the inside.

No replies. No feelings.

Ideas to paper.

Need to focus on writing an inspiring (one that hopefully doesn't smell of desperation) cover letter.

I think I might be on to something I actually enjoy? Retail still excites me. Creativity still excites me. But designing, I am not too sure.

After a super nice day styling an ex work colleague (She, like most women, was afraid to explore new things when it comes to fashion. But is opened to my ideas and styling, trying out things she would normally never pick out for herself. She better work that A.P.C. cheese cloth dress and those bright orange Marni heels.), throughout the day, I can't help to feel sorry for her still being stuck at a creative studio that doesn't promote creativity.

I want another Hazelnut gelato on cone (never usually have it on cone as I always think you get more on with a cup but I am a convert now. Plus it's more green).

Me, a bored stripper and a wreak.

Jesus juiced.

Totally!

I AM SO INTOXICATED.

Suddenly I see.

Strange. You can't change other people perception but you can your own. Ah, my therapist's wise words finally dawned on me.

We are kind of talking again? Well I really wanted to find out why today but couldn't, I was a bit annoyed by it but was in total control and decided to try a different approach instead. This one is too special to let go, and some things are worth the effort. Am happier. Funny how a person can so dramatically influence ones mood.

Another week is nearly over.

Due to the dodgy bathroom light, we go about our business with the door ajar for some illumination. Got caught doing a number 2 while brushing my teeth this morning.

Rude awaking.

Annoying road works. When will Boris finish with all the digging and in this weather.

Tick tock tick tock, will it even happen.

2 more CVs sent, still no positive replies. If I could do it all over again would I choose to be in the creative industry again? Probably, yes but I do also like the sound of Dr Zin though.

Nope, next week. Days of pondering till then.

I am seriously going nuts. Still no replies from applications. Time is running out.

Wet pillow.

Can't sleep. Blogging from under the covers with the Blackberry. Dreading tomorrow.

Apparently I am not a horrible partner (according to the ex) as I thought I might be.

This crying thing needs to stop. Funny. Funny is my thing, not this.
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I am really trying.

I am really trying. Okay this is too heartbreaking for me to even put into words. The best thing to do now is to sleep it off until tomorrow.

Like come on.

Possible career option.

Beer tester.

Diminishing alright.

Up and down.

Spent a lovely day in the sun with Joel. He is the sweetest and the tallest person I know.

I would like to know why you hate me so much. What have I ever done to deserve this really.

I spent the rest of the day at the window with cold beers, sad.

Waterworks.

Hot and cold.

My body can't work out if it's hot or cold in London today.

Had a fantastic day with an ex work colleague today helping her pick out clothes. It was fun, she is really open and trusting with my fashion forward ways. I hope she will wear that puffy green tulip skirt.

I debuted my puffy windbreaker today.

I am going to get a Stegosaurus tattoo next and something on my chest too (I was going for "Love, love, love" but things are a bit different these days so).

I really don't like my nipples. I wished they were, nicer?

My tattoos are healing well (no more black thunder bolt "potato prints" on my white sheets).

My blisters are healing well too.

Possible career option.

Manicurist that doesn't do toes?

Fashion is pain.

Yup, those are bleeding blisters on my toes. Had to sit down at Stella Mccartney's. Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Back to normal?

What is normal? I had a gin and tonic for breakfast.

It is sweltering in London today. Even my fingertips are sweating.

Possible career option.

An extra playing a zombie for a zombie movie?

R.I.P.

Rest in peace Michael Jackson. Best wishes to your children and family. I really do hope that the media would leave his kids alone to grief.

Ben was my favorite Michael Jackson song. I had a bottle of Jesus juice today to pay tribute to THE musical genius.

Coming soon.

They should arrive today! I am so excited.

Had the most surreal experience yesterday. The phone rang and a familiar face popped up on screen. I panicked a little. A window for a quick coffee but I had to turn it down. I could reschedule my therapy but I wasn't ready to face it and to see that person leave again in the all too familiar scene after would be hard. We probably passed each other, you going to Euston and me going to Kentish Town. I was vigilant but there was no art house movie moment. See you in 2 weeks.

Was on the GPS on the way to an old housemate whom I haven't seen for 3 years. I was really excited, she is all goth and heavy metal, and I did not know what to expect after all these years. She now lives in a beautiful little studio, in a really nice neighborhood (in stark contrast of where we live before, a grotty warehouse in Seven Sisters). She still looks the same, in fact better (just started up her own business, a survivor of the Camden fire and a true inspiration). Had a nice chat whist she was prepping for the inking to some heavy mental band. I was lying on her masseuse bed looking out the window, the clear blue sky, palm tree in a light breeze whist she was buzzing away working on my arm. It was the most pleasurable tattooing experience I ever had. I did not realize how much I actually missed her and her french accent.

WHERE ARE THEY?! GRR...

They were right at my door the whole time, I had my cans on.

Sigh.

In 2 weeks. God I fucking miss you.

Getting inked today. Can't wait to see Evira again after 3 years? Wow.

Shit, I am feeling the sads again.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I just let it be. It was a good thing, operational word, was. Why am I so worried to even send you a text, that you will not text back? Why do I feel fear, every time I see your facebook updates? Every time I think about you or think about how much I miss you, it breaks my heart.

I need some form of closure, or even a divine intervention perhaps. Got to stop this silly behavior, I was doing so well before.

Loads to talk about during therapy tomorrow. And hopefully Evira has time to ink me tomorrow.

Still no reply on any job applications. Oh dear.

Hot and bothered.

Its sweaty in London town. Too hot to even sit in a park for a read. I think the sandwiches I had from Pret were dodgy.

Argh.

The whole day I am thinking about you/things. WTF.

Stomach turning.

Great weather but I am moody. I know, let it go but so many questions. WWJD.

I want to put a gag on my inner voice. STFU.

Classic Zin.

I emailed my CV without attaching my CV. Now that doesn't say efficient now does it?

Just got back from the post office. Yes. The wheels are in motion. Wheels on fire, rolling down the road...

Totally had a blond moment on the way back. I spotted this really cool "Brick Lane type" and was like wow nice T shirt. Only then I realized that we were wearing the exact same T shirt, the same one I bought yesterday. No wonder he looked the other way.

Working from home.

I am super excited. Although I don't really know what I am excited about but it got me waking up at 3 am and then subsequently falling back to sleep at 7 am. Maybe it is my search for a new life which officially begins today? Although I still haven't worked out what exactly what I want or would do (or willing to). I have been thinking about the pass projects that I have found success with and yes, I still want to be a creative. Do I? See obviously still undecided.

Had a mentally unstimulating day shopping with Boobs yesterday. I know I shouldn't be shopping but I did get the coolest T shirt (it has a black and white print of Andy Warhol sorting out balloons) for £19 at Selfridges. I am happy that Boob's did not get the Tod's (40% off OMG), I would have been feeling guilty for letting him plonk so much money on shoes. But they are fabulous and Italian.

We also discovered a pleasurable 7.3% percent alcohol organic cider, Weston's at the Dog and Duck. Whilst ordering it, the bartender actually warned me about the percent alcohol and even checked on me after. If the bartender warns you about any drink, it must be good. And it was. We also spotted David Boreanz, you know Angel from Buffy from the window. So that combined with the 7.3% was 100% exciting as we were bored to tears.

Acne Jeans loves Zin. Finally something I ordered from current favorite label is available and soon to be on my feet. I know, but they are fabulous and Swedish.

Must find job.

Love them jeans!

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Waking up drunk.

I took a swig of last night's champagne. I know. Had a great unexpected night out yesterday. Started out perching at home by the window, headphones on with a bottle of Bollinger, celebrating my emancipation. Joel called out from the streets for drinks and the rest was a blur. A fun blur.

I got Alan Carr's biography from Tesco, can't wait to read that.

Framed the magically accurate horoscope from the London Paper (the day I got laid off) today and it is by my bedside. It reads "Scorpio. Keep everything in perspective this week, Scorpio. Understand that while a slip-up might mean the end of something, it does not mean the end of your world. It's time to become a bit more forgiving of yourself when you don't meet absolutely every target- or you'll end up miserable."

Blur.

Gimme a kiss.

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The golden girls.

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Highlight.

New work I did right after that day. I was a sad fuck.

I got paid. Possibly my last pay check. Have to spend it wisely. Shoes.

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Bored.

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Make mine a venti.

Living it large, I have just spent all my money at Marks and Spencer.

Today I deduced that most girls really like nerdy looking boys. As of late, I have been approached by and smiled at by girls on the street.

Picturing you are driving. I would love to drive a large matt black convertible hard top monster truck.

Good bye career woman...

Hello stay at home mum?

Humor. I am actually enjoying myself time off work. I am cooking again, finding things to do (apart from looking for work) to fill the void. Well one more weekday to go about doing nothing. Although the stress is looming but to hell with it, time to get creative and think of creative ways to survive this recession.

What now?

I finally got a reply last night. Although there are still some questions I would like to ask, baby steps I reckon. I am happy to know that both parties feel the same way about each other and that I have not lost a great friend, someone who I love and is important to me.

What now? Well I don't know, now that there is only one thing to stress about. Enjoy the rest of the week? Prep for the tough times ahead, try to enjoy the process and start having 3 meals a day. Now what to have for breakfast?

We are finally talking.

Jealous.

I took this photo forgetting that the flash was on.

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Breakfast of champions.

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Holiday?

For a second there I thought I was late for work. I sunk back into the comfort of my 500 thread count egyptian cotton sheets while a slight panic sets in as I realize that all the "what if" will have to come into fruition in order for me to keep on going. If only money grew on trees. I guess I am missing the point here. If only happiness grew on trees. I would be screwed either way, am still haunted by the many ghosts of my past pet plants.

Still no text reply. I will try begging a bit later. I still do not understand why I was so abruptly cut off from someone, someone whom I truly love and adore. Perhaps I never will? I constantly think about the great times we had and ever since that get together last week (which I was trying to avoid and childishly during, not said much), it has been so much harder. And at the end of it, I just wanted to run away because I am really missing being a part of and angry for things turning out this way. If only we can calmly talk about this over tea with ham and cheese croissants.

Fast approaching 9. I should be up and about (or at least have my windows up). Writing off the rest of the week now seems like a really good idea.

Day 1

I was given a large sealed envelope at 11am, told to read it in private by my boss and then proceed down to a meeting with him. In the meeting, I was told that it was down to 2 designers and one will be laid off later today. I was out at 3pm. No handshake. No goodbyes. Kind of brutal if you think about it (at least Tyra hugs the loser), yet I was feeling a strange sense calm and relief. Relieved that I do not ever have to use that horrible staff toilet, ever again.